Harvard to Go Egalitarian

Cambridge, MA, April 1, 2014

The school will no longer offer priority to students who have good scores, high SAT scores, and impressive extra-curricular activities. Such policies include, Dr. Faust acknowledged, created an”elitist” and”inegalitarian” air at the school. “It is unacceptable in 2014 to be favoring the intelligent over the dumb, and the energetic over the slothful,” she proclaimed.

Starting next year Harvard’s incoming class will have SAT scores ranging from six to three hundred to produce, for the first time, a really diverse professional class. The class’ scores will resemble the distribution of scores across the USA.

This assignment will extend beyond admissions:”Harvard is now devoted to fighting’thinkism” in all of its guises. No longer will Professors grade pupils based upon just how’well’ they think or write, or solve mathematics issues or speak French.” Instead, fairness dictates that grades will be assigned by lot–such as elections in early Athens, the only means to ensure students who are”better prepared” for school or”better able” to read, write, and believe, won’t use their time at Harvard to perpetuate their educational and intellectual selves.

A press release declares that”Harvard is now devoted to serving the’differently intellectual’ and’differently learned’ or even DIDL students.” The concept that some are”smarter” than other people is a bias that we need to overcome. The twenty-first century, the era of Hope and Change, is an age of equality. Gone are the days when understanding the difference between”their” and”there,” or references to dead White European males like Goethe or even Marlowe were utilized to reevaluate liberty. There’s no reason to favor an applicant who has been studying Shakespeare since he was over one who has watched every episode of”Sponge Bob” fifty times.

In this summer, the whole Harvard faculty will be trained in sensitivity to the needs of DIDL pupils. There’s discussion of a as yet undetermined, plan for affirmative actions for”Low IQ Americans.” The Puritans who founded Harvard maintained that”there is no sin but ignorance.” But in addition they burned witches, Harvard said.

Unconfirmed rumors imply that the move was motivated by the risk of a suit on behalf of this DIDL community from the Department of Education. Facing a courtroom battle the University was supposed to lose, Dr. Faust made a deal with Arne Duncan, Secretary of Education…